If Only

Missing my Tatay starts at the moment he packs his stuff.


I watched him load up his trunk last Friday, and I think I have seen him doing this routine for about fifteen times or more.


It always gets me.


If only I won the lottery, or got discovered in a reality-talent show, or have a job that pays let's say, a hundred thousand a day... my tatay would never have to leave and work abroad.


I could provide him the gasoline station franchise he wanted. He could run the business with nanay. Loui, Era, and I can continue with anything we want. If Loui passes the PMMA, he can spend four more years there, he doesn't have to worry about working right after college so he can help tatay provide for the family. Era can well maybe, pursue her hollywood dreams. And I can continue with my job not thinking about my salary just doing this for love (I guess) and perhaps fulfilling my father's dream of having a lawyer daughter.

My father has been working as a seaman for 24 years already. I was his only baby when he started working abroad. I can still remember that one night, he woke me up with the sound of a sliding penguin toy. I was happy but unsure if the toy was really for me, because I did not recognize the man holding the toy right in front of me. I first addressed him as "tiyo" (uncle) he laughed and told me he's TATAY.

Still I was doubtful, but when he started to sing that Bread popularized song--- "IF" well, I can imagine my eyes sparkling... the voice was the same in about a dozen of cassette tapes that nanay used to play every afternoon to get me to sleep. Tatay used to send us voice tapes instead of letters. He would sing and talk like we were just in front of him. Nanay and I sent voice tapes too. It contained my mathematics and english lessons with her. He could hear me count, sing the alphabet, and recite english words. Somehow, he was with me while I started learning a lot of things.

Tatay is 46 now. I'm a little sad realizing that I was not able to keep my promise. I once whispered in my bedroom walls my promise to have him stop working by the age of 45 so he can stay with nanay. I thought I can handle the challenge of raising my family. Reality bites.