Honestly, I do not understand why I have to give him a second chance. Then I realized that if I have the purest love for the person, I can accept him even in his worst.
It is painful when you learn from your friends that your boyfriend is still communicating with his ex. If it was just a hi-hello conversation, I could have just let it pass. But it was a long conversation of pouring his feelings out for her, that "he still cares," "she still has the biggest part of his heart," and "he'll stay forever in love with her."
And guess what? My friends read it all in a blog. She posted the entire conversation. She chose the people on her contact who can read the post, and my friend was one of them. I have the feeling that she intended to have my friend read the post so he can relay the mess to me.
When my friend sent me a copy of the post, I was a little hesitant to read it. His girlfriend who is a close friend of mine texted me earlier about a bad news I am going to get. But I read it anyway. My hands were shaking just seeing the names of the two persons. I read the first part, the middle, the end. I guess I read only 40 percent of the conversation. I could no longer go on, it already broke my heart.
I called him up and asked for his explanation. It took him a few seconds before he remembered the chat I was talking about. I asked him, the last time he checked on her and he said it was last week. When I started asking about the content, he broke into a worried-scared-surprised voice. He was murmuring things I could no longer understand because all I can hear is the echo of my cry, and the fast beat of my very very heavy heart.
I decided to put down the phone and communicate with him through email. We chatted in Gmail and I sent him several short emails.
Here are some of it:
just check your email. i cant speak to you yet. let me feel the pain and accept it willingly. im gonna miss u but this is for the best. i want to keep a little respect for u.
him: Nang please don't let me go. Mawala ko please nang
him: mahal please... don't do thisbut nothing is true in all what i said to her nang...
trial ra ni nato
please...
be strong...
i admit its my mistake of doing it.
him: That was my biggest mistake in my life nang. I admit my mistake. Please give me a chance nang...please
Lets save our relationship.
Lets save our relationship."--- u have said this line several times nong. wala gyud kay konsensya. wala sad syay konsensya for telling the world she still has u... im sorry for intruding into ur love story. it was ur love story all along. I played the cameo role.
I was writing my article for a daily newspaper. He was calling me. I ignored him and put my phone away. I was sobbing. And confused.
Then my initial plan was (this is normally what happens) I have to break up with him. An email of "we have to end this" was for me the end of the two sweet years we had (or the two years of love lies).
It was painful. But I described it as a beautiful pain. It came to me that I loved him genuinely. I would have never felt the pain if I didn’t.
Bestfriends, at least two of them, who knew about what happened comforted me through text messages and e-mails but never suggested what I should do in respond to the situation. They wanted me to decide for myself and said that they will always be there whatever my decision is. But they were so expressive in their anger towards him.
I spent the rest of the night talking to the closest friend of mine. She listened very carefully on my views. I told her why I ended the relationship.
1. I pointed out that posting the conversation in her blog is the least of my concern. I don't care what she does in her blog to get attention. She has the right to express whatever it is that she thinks she has to share to the world. It really depends to the extent of her morals, and most importantly, intellect.
2. As the post showed, it was him who started the conversation and he was the one who injected sensitive issues in their chat. The girl actually tried to refrain from answering his questions on love life and other personal stuff.
3. I remembered telling him the things that will hurt me the most. And what he did was on the top of the list. I even told him he can tell me anything but he forgot to tell me about it when I was with him last weekend.
4. Two important ingredients for relationships to work; trust and respect were definitely violated. If we will continue with our relationship, things will change. I see more petty fights, hallow hugging, and sour kissing. It will be a disaster. It will just ruin the both of us.
5. If he had done it to me once, he'll probably do it again. I don't want to come to the point when all that is left in me for him is hatred. I want to at least offer him friendship. After all, he made me happy for a moment.
My friend agreed. But I know she knows, it will be harder for me to lose him than to accept him back. She asked me to talk to him one last time. She begged and said, he has to end his 23rd birthday with me.
If I was hurt, I knew he was hurt as much as I do. So I swallowed my pride and talked to him on the phone. He was sobbing. I could barely understand the words he was saying.
He kept on saying, “Nang please, ayaw ko’g buwagi. Malooy ka. Let’s start all over again. I did not mean it, it was a mistake.”
I was firm in saying I have made my decision and I do not want to get hurt anymore. But he said, “Tell me, how many times have I hurt you? That I do not deserve to have a second chance? I love you nang. You know that.”
I replied, “If you really loved me, and the feeling was genuine, you would have not done what you just did. You are unfair.”
He said, “Unfair? Isn’t it unfair that in times like this, you could just let me go so fast? We promised to standby each other when we are in our worst. I need you nang. I can’t go on without you.”
I told him of how I could not look at him the way I used to. Or talk to him about the future like I used to. “I can’t love you, the way I had.”
He answered back, “If I have to earn your love again, I don’t care. I can accept any emotional torture coming from you. I just need to have you back. I want you back. Ikaw ra gyuy para nako nang.”
He was in a panicky mood. I can imagine him walking to and fro, banging the walls, and lying on the floor.
I cried harder while we both weighed things out. It was two minutes past 12midnight and it was no longer his birthday. I realized, he just won me back.
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